Cruise control. What a God-send. Actually, it's more of an auto industry-send. But we are in our cars a lot more than we're in church, so the benefits of a blessing from the auto industry, while not nearly as karmically fitting as anything God might send, are probably more immediately obvious to us.

I tried it for the first time the week after I received a speeding ticket. I think I got better gas mileage, which makes me think I must have been more of a maniac on the road all these years than I thought. Emphasis here on "have been." (I can't get retroactive tickets, can I?)

Since my brush with the law, I am so law-abiding (OK, with one notable exception), I almost can't stand myself. I never used cruise control before, because I always felt that using it would somehow diminish my own control over the car. This is really funny because when the police hand you a paper flower bouquet, just like FTD, they're sending you a message, and that message is this:  "Nothing says 'you're out of control' like a speeding ticket." I decided maybe it was time to take a lesson from the 12-steppers and surrender to, if not a higher power, then at least a more consistent one: cruise control.

Of course, this was the moment an acquaintance of mine chose to regale me with his horror story of a near-death experience due to his use of it, but I tried it anyway. So tell me, what am I supposed to do now with my right foot? Hang it out the window?  ("Dispatch, we've got a grey Honda Civic going north on 52 at 55 mph with a foot hanging out the window. No, I think it's attached. No, it doesn't look like a stiff. Nah, can't be, the toes are wiggling at me.") I wonder if there's a code number at the police station for that. I suppose I could practice tap-dance routines now that I've got both feet free. Maybe I could try a half-lotus position.



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